Remember

"Somebody bombed the World Trade Center."

Like so many of you, I'll remember those words for the rest of my life.   Ironically, I was giving a workshop on diversity on September 11, 2001.  My students and I had been in training since 8 am, discussing tolerance and understanding in the workplace, oblivious to the events that were tragically unfolding around us. 

Shortly after 10:00 am, we took our first break.  As I worked through the break to prepare for the next part of my lesson, I noticed students were slow to return to their seats -- and I wondered why.  Finally, a young man from the back of the room said the words I'll never forget:

"Somebody bombed the World Trade Center.  The towers have collapsed." 

Help Them Fly

"Time for me to fly,

I've got to set myself free.

Time for me to fly,

that's just how its' got to be.

I know it hurts to say goodbye,

but it's time for me to fly."

-- REO Speedwagon

The bird's nest outside my office window is empty now.  For the past several weeks, I've watched as the mother bird created the nest, straw by straw, and sat patiently while laying and nurturing her eggs until they hatched.  Three baby birds, helpless in their nest, depending on their mama to help them grow, until one day they can fly off on their own.  Today, they were gone.

Sweet irony.  So many moms I know are seeing their babies leave the nest too -- and are struggling with the bittersweet goodbye.  Somehow 18 years just doesn't seem enough.  Being a mom is a big part of who we are.  Just like the baby birds who sat for hours with mouths wide open, waiting for mom to bring back the morsels that would help them grow, our children too depended on us.  After all, we had the magic eyes to find their lost favorite shirt, the hugs to soothe their hurts, the wisdom to nurture their spirit, and the smile to reassure them that, no matter what life dealt, mom will always love them and be their number one fan.  They kept returning home to us until that day.....that wonderful, yet difficult day when nature tells them, just as it does little birds, that it's time to fly away.

Consider the Lilies

Shug: More than anything God love admiration.  Celie: You saying God is vain?   Shug: No, not vain, just wanting to share a good thing. I think it pisses God off when you walk by the color purple in a field and don't notice it.  --The Color Purple, by Alice Walker

I love road trips.  I love them because I love seeing the beauty of the landscape...rolling hills and waterfalls and rock ledges and wildflowers.  I just returned from yet another trip through the long state of Pennsylvania -- and I've driven these roads enough in the past year to see all four seasons unfold.   I'm convinced Alice Walker was right on in her book, The Color Purple -- God does dot the landscape of the world with the beauty of purple just to make us aware that He is in control.  He wants to share good things with us and create beauty through us.

Like the seasons of the land, we too have times in our lives that are in full, colorful bloom, and
other times where our life's beauty lies dormant, covered by the harsh and bitter reality of our experiences.  Just as in nature, we may wonder if we can survive the winters of our life.  We grow weary of the cold and lifeless spirit it creates in us and often want to hibernate and shut ourselves off from the world.

And then we see it.  A lavender crocus peeking through the snow.  A purple pansy that survived the winter.  Hope from the heavens spoken through a wildflower.  Simple blooms with a powerful message:

Taste Home

It was just a simple magazine -- an old copy of a cooking magazine called Taste of Home.  But the mere sight of it brought me to tears.

It must have been well over two years (ugh) since I last sorted my 'saved magazine' collection in the three-tiered basket bin of my family room.  Today I finally got to it.  A menial, unmemorable task to take care of -- until I stumbled upon that magazine.  

It was my mom's.  I remembered the day she let me borrow it.  I had stopped over for a visit and browsed the magazine as we sat and chatted.  She was fighting a nasty cough that wouldn't go away -- but as always, she was more interested in hearing about my family than talking about herself.  So as we talked, I turned the pages and a recipe in the magazine caught my eye as a contender for dinner later that night.  "Go ahead -- take it home with ya Cin.  I could use one less magazine here anyway," she said with her signature giggle.  Ok Mom, I will," was my reply.  "But it's brand-new so I'll bring it back -- I just want this one recipe."

Two years later, there it was -- still in my bin.  Yet another piece of unfinished business with my mom.  The symbolism brought me to tears.  So much had transpired since that visit two years ago.  The cough, we would soon find out, was a result of cancer in her lungs that all too quickly would take her life.  She too left unfinished business of her own: to see all her grandchildren graduate from high school or perhaps one day dance at their wedding or hold each and every great grandchild.

Believe Again

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own.  And you know what you know. You are the girl, who'll decide where to go.” (Dr. Suess)

I love this time of year because it always takes me back to being 18 at high school graduation, standing on the brink of possibilities.  More than any other time in our lives, graduating from high school is the moment we step through the portal from girl to woman or boy to man.  It is here we truly begin the journey towards becoming who we will be. 

In today's world, Facebook has allowed all of us to read the final goodbyes of graduates once written only on the pages of their senior yearbooks.  And with each 'goodbye' and 'game over' post I read, I can't help but be taken back to 1982, remembering hugs, smiles, and tears shed as I exited CCS for the final time, accompanied by the prophetic lyrics and haunting chords of Lynyrd Skynyrd's Freebird. 

Listen

"A wise old owl sat in an oak. The more he heard the less he spoke. The less he spoke, the more he heard. The more he heard, the more he learned. Now wasn't he a wise old bird?"

Legendary basketball coach and leadership icon, John Wooden, who recently passed away at age 99, would often share the homily above, learned in grade school, when asked why more people weren't better leaders.  "They don't listen," Wooden would say.  "Listening is the best way to learn.  You have to listen to those you are supervising."   

The number one request I get for workplace training is repeatedly to 'help us improve how we communicate.'  It stands to reason.  Communication is arguably the most important skill in life.  Just think of how many hours we spend communicating through reading, writing, speaking or listening.  And of these top four ways we communicate, Wooden, and scores of others, rank listening as the #1 key to our effectiveness as a communicator.

Yet, if you're like me, your grade school lessons on listening weren't quite as inspiring as little John Wooden's.  Mine were more like: "Cindy! Sit down, shut up and listen!"  (Followed by once having to teach the math lesson because my incessant chatter apparently communicated that I knew more about pi than Mr. Chilson did.) 

Yes, hour upon hour was devoted in elementary school, high school and college to teaching us how to write, read, and speak.  But I can't remember one lesson on how to listen.  Listening beyond just hearing; beyond just listening long enough so I can tell you what I think when you shut up.  I mean listening in a way that will help me to better understand you first -- before I ever begin to get you to understand me.

Author Stephen Covey calls it empathetic listening.  In his best selling book, 'The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People', he recommends we listen not only with our ears -- but also with our eyes and our hearts.  We must listen for feeling and for meaning.  We must listen for behavior.  We must sense and feel the person we're listening to.  Because when we listen like this, we open ourselves to a deeper understanding of life from the point of view of those we're listening to.  In a sense, we put on their glasses and see life through their eyes.  And only then, when we've allowed their perspective to influence us, do we have any shot at influencing them.  That's why it's such a critical skill for leadership success.  You want to improve how you communicate?  Widen your influence as a leader?  Start by improving how you listen.

I have begun to be more purposeful in applying this prescription to my own life.  Because I make my living teaching others, it becomes especially frustrating when my own son doesn't do what I say -- and I teach him for free!  Indeed, it is a humbling experience when you're hired to help change behaviors in workplaces and can't seem to change some of the behaviors in your own household. 

So I took Mr. Wooden's, Mr. Covey's, and even my math teacher Mr. Chilson's, advice.  I SHUT UP and started to listen.  My first experiment came when helping my son move into a new college apartment and I listened to the music pouring from his stereo.  Gulp.  (Note to self: you're just listening Cindy, not speaking!)

I soon realized I needed to turn off my ears and start listening with my eyes.  I saw no refrigerator or stove...but there was a vacuum!  And good lord, it had been used!  I saw food organized in the cupboards, clothes hung neatly in the closet, shoes precisely lined up on the floor, and a roll of paper towels IN ITS HOLDER.  When I asked to use a pair of scissors, I heard 'second drawer down in the kitchen' and sure enough, there they were!  Right beside loads of other tools he had purposely placed in that drawer.

And when I turned the corner, I listened with my heart.  There before me was a bed he had made up for guests.  The bed linens neatly pulled across the mattress, not a wrinkle in sight; an extra blanket perfectly folded at the foot of the bed; two pillows propped up at the head, and centered in front of them, was an accent pillow shaped like a football, taken from his bedroom at home.  Despite my millions of previous attempts to stand over my son and demand he 'pick up this room and make your bed,' it never once looked as beautiful as this.

Like the businesses who come to me, my personal hope on the homefront has been to improve how I communicate with my son.  My effectiveness took a big leap forward when I started to listen.

What I heard with my eyes and my heart were far more powerful than what I could ever hear with my ears.  I heard a son who said "I love you Mom," through the smile on his face after seeing me smile at the sight of his bed -- and his organized apartment.  Not a word was spoken.  But for the first time in a very long time, we heard each other loud and clear.

On Vacation

Aaahhh sweet vacation.  It's not until you return from one that you realize just what a necessity they are. 

I recently finished an oh-too-brief pampered vacation to the beautiful azure waters of the Carribbean. 
Ever since my first visit over two decades ago, I've made return trips a gotta-have expense in my budget.  There's just something about those white sandy beaches, crystal blue waters, and endless sunshine that recharges my batteries like no other place on earth can do.  It's a sight for sore eyes -- and a worn-out, weary spirit.

This time down, the real luxury was bringing our family with us.  In today's world, kids grow up and move beyond their hometowns, making time together a rare gift.  This is certainly true for our family.  So we traveled from Chicago, Philadelphia, Hoboken, Brooklyn, Fort Lauderdale, Boynton Beach and Bemus Point just to share a few meals and fancy cocktails and precious conversation.  Dipping our feet into sandy beaches and clear waters while soaking in the radiant sunshine made it that much better.

A trip like this doesn't happen on a whim -- it takes months of planning (and saving!) to bring so many together for a few days of fun.  But it is so worth it.  The memories truly last a lifetime; the photographs instantly recall the smiles; and the joy creates the 'worth it' that gives reason to plan again. 

THIS to me is living.  It's for times like these that we all work so hard.  It's why we spend years on education to create better lives for ourselves and our families.  It's why we teach our kids to love spending time with one another.  Just for moments like this.  To raise a glass and toast birthdays and anniversaries and graduations.  To hear how their jobs are going and share wisdom and advice.  To commiserate over stretch marks and bathing suits and really white bodies while laughing over drink carriers and towel animals and 'oh-he-was-terrible' karaoke.

Some often question the price of a family vacation; the financial price, the time-away-from-work price, the I-have-too-much-to-do-to-take-a-vacation price.  Sadly, I have met too many who rarely -- or never -- have taken a vacation.  But I have always believed differently.  I believe you can't afford not to take a vacation.  It revives you, inspires you, re-focuses you, and renews relationships with those you love most. 

At the end of my life and yours, it will be the family vacation pics and the memories they represent that will give comfort and smiles from a life well lived -- not the promotions or the salary or the big projects of our work.  It will be the seashell held to my ear that will help me best recall the sounds, scents, and sights of the places I loved most -- shared with the people I love most.  It is our family and friends, after all, who, every once in a while, help us unplug from this busy, crazy, hooked-up-24/7 life of ours to remind us just what we're living for.

Get Mean

Sometimes I chuckle at all those Facebook status postings stating 'today is son or daughter week,' encouraging us to express, in essence, how wonderful our children are.  I laugh because there are days when my little angels are more like little devils and I'd rather strangle them than laud praise on them.  (Ummm, should I admit this publicly?)

Let me be clear.  I love and am blessed by my kids.  I also admit I have struggled with understanding or accepting some of their choices.  I get that it has always been a rite of passage, generation after generation, for kids to rebel against parental boundaries and find their own way -- mistakes and all.  Believe me, I did it too.  But I'm not sure it has ever been easier, than now, to do so. 

Music, movies, television, internet, texting, facebook, etc. endorse such widely opposing views and values.  Collectively they make society's message clear to both kids and parents: 'Get with it Mom and Dad...today, anything goes.'   The current real-time technology -- the stuff we often buy them -- even puts that message right into their hands and laps.....all in the privacy of the very homes we create to protect them.  Is it any wonder then, that raising young men and women of good moral character and integrity has become such a battle? To cite a good old country song, 'when anything goes, then everything goes." 

What's the answer?  I'm convinced love, boundaries, modeling the behavior we expect our kids to follow -- mixed with heavy doses of prayer (hey God, I admit I can't do this by myself!) -- will help win the war.  Even if it takes a little longer than we hoped it would.   At times, we must put aside the praise, the stuff we buy them, and the all-out effort to 'make them happy' -- and just GET MEAN -- with hopes that one day, they'll understand it was the greatest expression of love we could ever give them.

Here's an excellent description, from an unkown author, of how to 'get mean:'

Loved by a Mean Mom:

Someday when my children are old enough to understand the logic that motivates a parent, I will tell them, as my Mean Mom told me:

I loved you enough . . . to ask where you were going, with whom, and what time you would be home.

I loved you enough to be silent and let you discover that your new best friend was a creep.

I loved you enough to stand over you for two hours while you cleaned your room, a job that should have taken 15 minutes.

I loved you enough to let you see anger, disappointment, and tears in my eyes. Children must learn that their parents aren't perfect.

I loved you enough to let you assume the responsibility for your actions even when the penalties were so harsh they almost broke my heart.

But most of all, I loved you enough . . . to say NO when I knew you would hate me for it.

Those were the most difficult battles of all. I'm glad I won them, because in the end you won, too.  And someday when your children are old enough to understand the logic that motivates parents, you will tell them.

Was your Mom mean? I know mine was. We had the meanest mother in the whole world! While other kids ate candy for breakfast, we had to have cereal, eggs, and toast.  When others had a Pepsi and a Twinkie for lunch, we had to eat sandwiches.  And you can guess our mother fixed us a dinner that was different from what other kids had, too.

Mother insisted on knowing where we were at all times. You'd think we were convicts in a prison. She had to know who our friends were, and what we were doing with them. She insisted that if we said we would be gone for an hour, we would be gone for an hour or less.

We were ashamed to admit it, but she had the nerve to break the Child Labor Laws by making us work. We had to wash the dishes, make the beds, learn to cook, vacuum the floor, do laundry, empty the trash and all sorts of cruel jobs. I think she would lie awake at night thinking of more things for us to do.

She always insisted on us telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. By the time we were teenagers, she could read our minds and had eyes in the back of her head. Then, life was really tough!

Mother wouldn't let our friends just honk the horn when they drove up. They had to come up to the door so she could meet them. While everyone else could date when they were 12 or 13, we had to wait until we were 16 .

Now that we have left home, we are all educated, honest adults. We are doing our best to be mean parents just like Mom was. I think that is what's wrong with the world today.  It just doesn't have enough mean moms!

Now encourage others...PASS THIS ON TO ALL THE MEAN MOTHERS YOU KNOW.

Think Like a Champion

I admit it.  I'm a cheerleader.

Those who know me know I am an avid fan of my sons' high school and college sports teams as evidenced by my zeal in creating websites, videos, books, posters, Facebook pages and online stores full of fan gear; helping with pep rallies and fundraisers and tailgates..... and loving every minute of it.  (Which is why I can't stop helping my favorite teams even after my sons have graduated.)

Now before you tell me to get a life (ok, I probably should), please remember I make my living as a motivational speaker and teacher, so come on, whadya expect?  :)  This is what I know how to do (and believe me, my family would say you wouldn't want me volunteering to cook for the team dinner.) 

I have a very strong belief that  'talent + teamwork + passion' is the recipe for exceptional success in life -- whether it's on the gridiron, in the workplace, or in our homes.  And I've taken the opportunity of using sports to teach that to my sons.  Turns out their high school, home of the Maple Grove Red Dragons, is an excellent example of how this formula works.

When I played high school sports, I remember our team goal was to win our division at the local level.  There wasn't much talk of going any farther.  After all, this wasn't the movies.  We were just a small school in a small town hoping for a division championship and some hardware for our trophy case.  If it happened we went further, great.....we were lucky.  But it certainly wasn't what we set our minds on. 

Fast forward to my sons' high school teams.  They too are a small school in a small town.  But they think differently.  They think BIG.  They have what Steven K. Scott describes in his best selling book, 'Simple Steps to Impossible Dreams' as 'Babe Ruth Power.'

Scott's theory is that most goal-setting programs we use for professional and personal goals have one severe limitation: they encourage us to set goals that are 'reasonable and achievable.'  To achieve our dreams, we must think differently -- like Babe Ruth did.  He didn't step up to the plate hoping for a walk or a single.  Instead, he pursued one goal every time he stepped up to bat: hit a homerun.  His 'shoot for the moon and not the reasonable and achievable' mindset made all the difference -- and elevated him from just another ball player to the champion baseball legend we still talk about today -- eight decades later. 

It's that kind of thinking that exists at Maple Grove.  I've seen Coach Curt Fischer encourage his players to think like champions -- and in doing so, prepare and practice and play like champions.  Going all the way to states is the goal every season.  And in my opinion, it has made all the difference.  Just look at his results: he twice led his team to football state titles and numerous division championships.  He assisted in coaching the school's team to a state title for baseball.  And this coming Friday, his boys' basketball team will make their third consecutive trip to the New York State Final Four Championships, where they hope to capture the state trophy as they did under Fischer's reign in 2008.  Impressive achievements in coaching multiple sports over a decade tells us all he has found a winning combination.

Somebody once asked me what I felt that combination was.  I'm convinced it's the Babe Ruth Power mindset combined with the 'talent + team + passion = exceptional success' formula.  Players and coaches are committed to developing their raw talent; the teams play together in the on/off season (on both structured teams and informal pick-up games in parks, driveways & back yards); their legion of fans and the support they give -- yes, even those Dragon Mom cheerleaders -- is an integral part of the team dynamic; and together, this whole team really, really loves (I call that passion) what they do and prides themselves on being the best.  So much so that they practice all hours of the day and night, alter work schedules for coaching commitments, paint their bodies black and red, cook vats of homemade sauce and meatballs for team dinners, travel hundreds of miles to cheer their team on, or spend hours creating websites and movies.

And perhaps senior leader Chris Secky explained 'Babe Ruth Power' best while reflecting on his team's recent win that put them back at the state final four: "You’ve got to come out and think nobody can stop you. It might sound cocky or a little overconfident, but if you don’t have that mindset you’re not going to do well. I came out and was like, ‘there’s nobody that’s going to stop me. There’s nobody that’s going to deny me a chance to go to Glens Falls.’  (Is there any question, that with a personal philosophy like that, Chris is arguably the best all-around athlete in school history?)

And while thinking like a champion can, and does, bring the typical rewards of excellence -- titles, rings, patches, headlines, and bigger hardware in the trophy case -- it also put dozens of Dragon alumni into college sports and academic programs, bringing them scholarships and opportunities and the confidence and determination to also live their life with the mindset to 'think like a champion.'

Indeed, the 'talent + team + passion = exceptional success' formula works beautifully outside of sports too.  

-- Cindy

Post-script: The Maple Grove Red Dragons went on to win the 2010 New York Class D Boys Basketball State Championship, defeating the state's first and second ranked teams to do so.  It is their third state basketball title in school history; their second in the past three years.  Tournament MVP Chris Secky ended his high school basketball career with 2,067 points -- the same number of points as former New York high school player and NBA legend Kareem Abdul Jabaar had in his high school career.  Congratulations to Chris, Coach Fischer, and the entire Maple Grove Red Dragons.  The way you live out the  'talent+team+passion' formula inspires us all.

Celebrate Moms

Hooray for Sandra Bullock.

Her moving performance in 'The Blind Side' as a mom who welcomes a homeless teen into her family, won the Oscar for best actress.  Her acceptance speech, dedicated to 'moms that take care of the babies and the children no matter where they come from,' won our hearts.

The movie's storyline was especially touching to me.  My husband, a native of New York City, faithfully purchases The New York Times every Sunday.  On one such Sunday in 2006, I happened to take notice of their magazine supplement.  It pictured a young man who had gone from anonymity to the number one offensive lineman college recruit almost overnight.  Because our son Justin was a college offensive lineman, and the same age as the boy in the story, I was eager to read more about this young man in hopes his story might offer my son some tips.

But what I read about was so much greater than improving football strategy.  Michael Oher, the gentle giant who was the focus of the article, had overcome more than opponents' defensive lines.  His resolve to protect his quarterback's blind side was strengthened more in the arena of life than it ever was in the weight room.   His amazing story of going from homeless and family-less to the #1 college recruit at his position -- and eventually to the NFL -- had a Hollywood ending in large part, because a mom, and her entire family, took a step of faith to make a difference in his life.  Leigh Anne Toughy, the mom Sandra Bullock so powerfully portrayed, knew she had the means to do something to help this young man in need and make a difference in his life.  More importantly, she acted on it.  She and her family adopted Mike and together they encouraged, supported, and nurtured him to become the young man whose life story I was now reading about. 

The article immediately resonated with me.  Our family shared a similar experience when our youngest son Antoine, now 19, became part of our family at age 12.  When I learned Michael Oher's story had been made into a movie, I asked my son for a date so we could watch the movie together.  I cried the whole way through.  There were so many similarities; so many ways I saw our own family's story being played out on that screen; so many prayers being prayed as I sat in that theater asking God to let Hollywood speak to my son so that he would understand our rules, our standards and our love for him were there to protect his 'blind side' -- all those difficult life experiences that kids don't see coming but parents know can all too easily knock them down or forever alter this game we call life. 

One of my favorite scenes was when Bullock prepared a Thanksgiving feast for her family and they proceeded to each pile their plates full of food, then plop themselves down in front of the television to watch turkey-day football.  

At this point my son leans over to me to say, "See?  That mom doesn't make them turn off the tv and eat at the table."  (A reference to our house rules at dinner time: no tv, we eat together at the table, and we hold hands and say prayer before the first bite is taken.)

Then, as if on my perfect cue, Bullock looks at her family in the living room, then back at Michael who is eating his first Thanksgiving meal at the table all by himself.  She knows what she has to do -- and promptly picks up the remote and turns off the tv.  The next scene has the whole family at the dining room table.  She then leads a thanksgiving prayer.....making them all hold hands. 

Aaahh....sweet vindication.  (Followed by a gentle elbow nudge, glaring stare and smirk to my son.)

Wouldn't it be wonderful if real life was always as beautiful and as easy and had a storybook ending like it does in the movies?  The real 'moms [and dads] that take care of the babies and the children no matter where they come from' know parenting takes hard work, commitment, and sometimes all the strength one can muster in a day.  And admittedly, on some days, our mistakes leave us feeling more like the monster mother portrayed by the best-supporting actress winner MoNique than the courageous and determined mother portrayed by Bullock.  (But I'm betting that the real Leigh Anne Toughy had days like those too.) 

Congratulations Sandra Bullock for an award well-deserved.  Your portrayal of a mother who loves her son, regardless of how - or at what age - he came to her, is a win for every mother out there who does the same.

God continues to direct the unfinished scripts of our children -- and I'm so thankful that he does.  Perhaps one day they'll also make it to the pros in their chosen field or have their life stories made into Oscar worthy films.  Or maybe, they'll simply, and wonderfully, love their own children in a way that brings their family together at the dinner table, holding hands and giving thanks for all the blessings they have......just like their moms taught them to do. 

-- Cindy Aronson

Did you know that New York State alone has over 350 children waiting to be adopted? If you have room in your heart and your home, please consider foster parenting or adoption. Older children especially are in need of your love. Contact https://apps.ocfs.ny.gov/Adoption/Child/Search/Demographic.aspx  for more information and to see the directory of children who are waiting to be adopted.

Or become a CASA volunteer and advocate for a child in foster care.  Contact http://www.casaforchildren.org for more information

Get Started

Oh cabin fever.  If you live in the North, it's probably long set in by now.  Frigid temps, record snowfalls, scraping, shoveling, and bundling up makes one just want to stay in the comforts of home.....until boredom sets in and you just gotta break free and get on out.

So I did.  Last week I took this 'feeling-every-bit-of-over-40' body down the ski slopes for the first time in a while, and I have to admit I said a little 'thank you God' when I made it down.  Once I got my confidence back, I began to focus on the beauty of a wintry snowfall and the joy that playing outside with friends still brings.  It just seems to get sweeter with age to brave the elements and the hillside and have a blast doing so. 

It wasn't until a bit later in life that I learned to ski.  Me ski?  You mean go down a steep, snowy hill standing up?  Are you kidding me?  At 35, I thought I was way too old to learn something so daring.  Thankfully my son, and later my friends, assured me I could -- and what a boost to the old self-esteem to conquer something you never thought you could.....or would.

Life has taught me that the best prescription for cabin fever, mid-life fever, stuck-in-a-rut fever -- or whatever else you want to call it -- is to get started on doing something new, something that's a bit of a stretch, something you may have never seen yourself being able to accomplish.  There's a beautiful boost that comes from being bold and brave and open to new possibilities -- and then going for it. 

Achievement and accomplishment is often as simple as just getting started -- so many times, that is the hardest part.  We think and worry and plan and analyze -- until it stops us in our tracks and prevents us from doing it.  Before you know it, we look back and say coulda, woulda, shoulda, meant to ........ but didn't.

After all, what if I fail?  Fugheddaboudit.  Fear of failure is one of the most crippling mindsets there is.  I've certainly learned this on my own and by observing the lives of others.  Sure, everything you try may not work out the way you dreamed it -- but oh the power and confidence and joy that comes from the attempt!  As a grown woman, I also once tried figure skating.......I so wanted to skate like Dorothy Hamill.  (After all, we did once share the same hairstyle.)  So I got started with lessons and after the fourth time falling hard on the ice, decided it wasn't meant to be for me......but oh the laughs I still get from remembering the experience!

Learning doesn't end with high school or college.  New joys and hobbies and renewal can be found in our middle-age and retirement years as easily as we found them in our teens and twenties.  Oprah Winfrey was reminded of this by Jerry Seinfeld.  Following an interview with Seinfeld some years ago, she found herself complaining to him about the end of summer and the need for some time for herself before going back to the confinement of her television schedule.  Jerry reminded her, “It’s yours to design, Oprah," -- an 'aha' moment that led to the decision to end her show.  Yes, even Oprah relies on the wisdom of friends to remind her that she alone holds the power to try something new. 

The level of joy, energy, passion, fun, or engagement we have in this life of ours is up to us.  "It's ours to design."  We just simply need to get started.

-- Cindy

Have Some Fun

Life is stressful. 

Stress caused by home or work impacts us big time.  Some studies predict 75-90% of visits to healthcare providers are due to stress-related conditions.  A study by Catalyst, an organization dedicated to expanding opportunities for women and business, puts the cost of workplace stress between $50 - $300 billion annually in healthcare and lost productivity. 

Think about it: if we're heavily stressed, we typically make more mistakes, have trouble concentrating, become disorganized, angry or just stop caring.  A Wall Street Journal survey reports that one third of people even considered quitting their jobs because of stress and 14 percent actually did.

In today's world we've got lots to worry about.  Changes in workplace procedures are happening more rapidly than at any other time in history. Add to that the 'information age' moving everything at a faster pace and keeping us connected 24/7.   Technology and a global marketplace have contributed to downsizing and leaner workplaces which brings on stress from uncertainty and added changes for all. 

Those who stay are rewarded with added work hours -- the equivalent of a 13th month every year -- along with new responsibilities and retraining.  Those let go face an uncertain future and all the problems that go with it, while searching for work in one of the worst job markets of our time. 

For women, who by many measures continue to be responsible for the majority of tasks at home, the 5 o'clock whistle offers little relief.  So what's a girl gotta do to restore her sanity?

Girlfriend, have some fun.

That's right.  Women today, perhaps due to their increased education, status in the workplace, power of their own purse -- or just simple stress overload -- are moving beyond 'Calgon, take me away' to creating a full blown industry that caters to all the pampering a woman needs to renew her energy and restore enthusiasm to face yet another Monday morning.  (Although bubble baths still work too.)

Spa retreats, worldwide travel, whitewater rafting or rock climbing, girls' nights out (or in), crafty classes, girlfriend getaways -- you name it, chicks are doing it -- and in the process are learning to love life again. 

My own girlfriends and I just returned from an adventure of our own, where I tried out an 'oxygen bar' and a cocktail of  'liquid oxygen' (plant chlorophyll mixed with water).  We came back refreshed, renewed, and ready to take on our lives again.  (We also noted that Ellicottville, NY, a ski town we've been holding our winter girlfriend gatherings in for over a decade, has responded to the trend with an annual women's weekend event and accommodations that cater to women only travelers.)

Does stress have you in its hold?  Then go have some fun.  Decide what makes you smile, then find some friends who might need to smile too.  Schedule some fun together on your calendar -- for an hour, a weekend or a full vacation trip. 

Having fun with friends is today's version of 'mother's little helper.'  Except this time around, it's more likely to be a little yellow tattoo applied in the company of friends that has you smiling -- and not the little yellow pill the Rolling Stones prescribed.

Live By Faith

Sometime in the summer of 2008 (it all seems such a blur now), I received the difficult news that my mom, the rock of our family, had lung cancer.  It seemed so unfair.  She wasn't a smoker nor did she grow up in a household that was.  So how then does a nagging cough turn into such a diagnosis?

My family was thankful when doctors assured us that surgery would remove it all and chemotherapy would be a preventive measure to reduce the chances of reoccurrence.  But just three months following surgery -- during Christmas week, Mom's favorite time of the year  -- a new scan would reveal a much darker diagnosis: the cancer, thought to be fully removed, had reappeared -- this time in both lungs.  From stage 1 we thought had been remedied, to stage 4 for which there was no cure.  The news pierced our hearts and minds as my siblings and I sobbed in disbelief.  No!  How could this be?  We were devastated, shocked, and numb. 

Yet there sat my mom -- hearing news that would all too soon take her life -- giving comfort and reassurance to her children, with a smile and a promise that 'it'll be okay.'

Such was the way my mother, Sylvia Joy, lived her life.  For all of my growing up years, she was a single mom of six children, the youngest two twins.  We were five girls and one boy loved by a woman whose life philosophy was as simple as her middle name: Joy.  Birthdays, holidays, winter, summer, spring, and fall celebrated with creativity and laughter and all the fanfare a shoe-string budget could afford.

My mom did not have an easy life.  As you can imagine, raising six kids on her own was a challenge all to itself.  Add to that other life experiences that could have -- and perhaps should have -- robbed her of joy.  And now a diagnosis of a cancer that seemed so senseless and unfair, certainly should have sealed the deal.  How can anybody be joyful through cancer?  Mom found a way. 

I admit I often wanted to sit and cry with her and hate on this disease -- unleashing a tirade on somebody or something to get even for what she was going through.  But that was never her desire.  It just wasn't her way.

Many people wondered where her source of joy came from -- and she was always eager to let them know: it was her faith.  Faith in a God that was by her side through every storm of her life.  Faith modeled for her children and grandchildren and great grandchildren -- in hopes they too would live accordingly.  She repeatedly told others that her grandson Gabe reminded her of Matthew 6 scripture that said: 'who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life' -- and she clung to those words throughout her battle with terminal cancer -- often saying, "God knows the exact length of my time on earth -- and I'm not going to add or subtract one minute to his timing by worrying about it." 

That was Mom.  She chose joy over worry.  She refused to think about death and instead made the most of each day she had to live.  And she put her faith in a God she knew would take care of her. 

When she passed, wonderfully surrounded by family, prayers, and singing of hymns, we did the usual searching for what we wanted her to wear in the casket that truly represented her best. For many years she wore a watch pendant necklace. She always had that thing on.  But a few months before she died, the battery gave out on it and she didn't get a chance to replace it.  So my sister searched her jewelry drawer so we could include it with what she would wear for the funeral. 

When she found it, she was shocked to see that the clock had stopped at 12:59.....the exact time of our mom's passing. (Turns out, a mother is always right.)

Some may call it coincidence.  I prefer to call it a 'God-wink' -- evidence that our mom, his faithful, joyful servant, is with him now. It was a final, memorable message -- like only moms can do -- to encourage us to live by faith. The faith she believed in and clung to in her most difficult days of cancer was the same faith that was her rock in raising six young children on her own. It was real.  It was lived.  It was her legacy -- an inheritance passed on to her family worth more than gold.

Live by faith.  Three simple words lived to the fullest by one simple, yet remarkable woman:  my mom. 

Thanks Mom.

"Therefore I tell  you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, or what you will wear.  Is not life more important than food and the body more important than clothes?  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not much more valuable than they?  Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"

Matthew 6: 25-27 (NIV)

What Love Will Do

It is impossible to come to Philadelphia and not be inspired.

No city has had a stronger influence on the American way of life than historic Philadelphia.  It was the birthplace of revolutions, inventions, and ideas that changed the world forever -- born from people who saw what can be rather than what was.

Most know the city's role in America's freedom and constitution, but did you know Philadelphia was also the birthplace of America's first hospital, university, library, bank, volunteer fire department, life insurance company, stock exchange, art museum and art school, mint, municipal water system, and zoo?  And Ben Franklin's kite experiment on a windy day in Philadelphia paved the way for us to plug into computers, first invented here in 1946 at the University of Pennsylvania, while snacking on those yummy Girl Scout cookies, first sold commercially on Arch Street in 1934.

How did one city give rise to so many important ideas? 

Perhaps due to a simple, yet powerful plan Philadelphia's founding father, William Penn, had for the city.  When England's King Charles II gave Penn the land that would one day become this great city, he pressed Penn to take a regiment of soldiers for protection 'against the savages.'  But Penn objected stating,

"The Indians have been killed and robbed by the settlers.
Let us now try what love will do."

Penn named his city 'Philadelphia', a Greek word for brotherly love, and set out to live at peace with the native Indians and create a 'great town with no wall to keep them out.'  Unlike other colonial cities, the City of Brotherly Love would not be surrounded by a stockade but rather be a city open and free to flourish from every direction. 

Penn's decision not to build physical barriers around the city made a powerful statement to its citizens not to build mental barriers either.  He knew that fear, failure, mediocrity, criticism, lack of vision/education, and lack of understanding of native or new cultures could just as easily confine this new city.  Instead, he encouraged its citizens to pursue their love of community, invention, education, worship, and freedom to create a better world for us all. 

Philadelphia became a powerful influence and inspiration to the rest of the world because it tried what love will do.

Valentine's Day offers us a gentle reminder to follow Penn's wisdom.  Perhaps we must realize that the walls we build to cope with the savages of our own lives --bitterness, fear of failure, disappointment, anger, lack of caring -- too often leave us stagnant and confined.  To flourish, we must open our minds and our hearts to what can be, rather than what our reality may be now.  Sometimes, it even requires us to live at peace with 'the enemy,' and in doing so, create a better version of ourselves.  In how we treat our relationships, our careers, our community -- perhaps even in how we treat ourselves  -- let us now try what love will do.

I am confident, like Penn, you'll discover it's the path to greatness.

Happy Valentine's Day,

Cindy

Have A Ruby Revelation

One of the best parts of my job is the opportunity to work with so many different organizations, meeting thousands of people.  And in my 25 years of doing so, I've stumbled upon what I believe is the essential ingredient that separates those who feel they've found success in work and life, from those still searching for it.  I'm naming it 'The Ruby Revelation' -- and I'm convinced we all need to have one.

Mine came to me this past month.  I had some extra time on my hands to reflect on my year full of changes and the journey my life has taken.  My deep thinking requires music in the background and, as luck would have it, the classic version of 'Over the Rainbow' was on. 

Can wisdom really come through a young Judy Garland?  Indeed it can. 

I got to thinking about the Wizard of Oz and how it's such a great allegory for life.  At one time we all have a bit of Dorothy in us, don't we?  We gaze at the sky, hopeful for a happy life, certain it's on the other side of the fence or over the rainbow.  So we run away from home as we know it, searching for our heart's desire, until the storms of life toss us around and we find ourselves in a new land.  Colorful.  Chaotic.  Sometimes beautiful and magical.  But perhaps also frightening and foreign -- maybe so much so that all we think about is finding our way back home again. 

And so our long journey begins to find the one who can grant us our wishes and give us what we're longing for.  Like Dorothy, we find and help others along the way: a scarecrow in search of a brain (a spouse going through college or career growth?), a tinman in search of a heart (our community, church or school?), a lion in search of courage (our kids?)  Like a true American woman, Dorothy finds a way to make sure everyone elses needs get taken care of first -- even doing the impossible to get 'r done. 

And when it comes time for her, she selflessly sacrifices the one shot she has to go home because she can't leave without her faithful companion, Toto. Now that's love.  (Some of you have been there too.) 

All seems lost until the good witch Glinda comes on the scene with some very good news indeed:  Dorothy has always had the power to go home.

But why didn't you tell her before?   Because she wouldn't have believed it -- she had to learn it for herself, through each and every experience of her journey down the yellow brick road.  Only then would she know how to tap the power found in those fabulous ruby slippers. 

And there you have it: The Ruby Revelation. 

The essential ingredient that separates those who have found success from those still searching, is the realization that it's not up to our spouse, our community, our kids, or even our employer (a.k.a.The Wizard) to grant us our heart's desire.  The answer lies within us.  Only we have the ability to tap the power that comes from walking in our own shoes -- those valuable life lessons that teach us, refine us, inspire us, change and motivate us to find our way to that peaceful place where work and life is good.   

So get rid of the flying monkeys on your back, melt away those wicked witches wanting to capture your beauty and your little dog too, and claim your own Ruby Revelation.

Just be sure to do it in a fabulous pair of shoes.

"If I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I'll know not to look any further than my own back yard;  because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with." -- Dorothy Gale, Wizard of Oz